Fifty Times That Axel Had a Heart
by NinjaSquirls
Summary: [“I’m not a stranger, Roxas,” he whispers, because this is not the reunion he envisioned, “Don’t you remember me?”] Fifty sentences on Axel, Roxas, and love without a heart. Livejournal challenge fic. AkuRoku. Fluff and angst.


**A/N**: It always feels so weird to enter a fandom for the first time - I've been madly in love with Kingdom Hearts for ages (never played the game, although Roy has, and I have watched a lot of the scenes on khvids, but mostly just reading the fanfiction), but this is the first project I've managed to finish. It's a bit scary. This fic is written for the livejournal community 1sentence: "Fifty themes, one sentence each". Think it sounds easy? I've been working on this since the second week of AP exams (mid May), and I just finished today. It's fun though - I love the challenge communities on livejournal. You should check this one out; some of the fics are amazing. As for this one - I love Axel. I want to be Axel. Most of the time when I take quizzes online I am Axel (though I'm starting to think I have an Inner Demyx). So this is: Axelcentric. With rather a lot of Roxas, because AkuRoku is one of my OTPs. Although some of these are just about Axel, and some of them include other Org members, because I couldn't resist. No particular timeline - jumps around between Axel and Roxas in the Org, Roxas in Twilight Town, and Axel after Roxas merges with Sora. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: If I had my way, Roxas would not be in Sora's head, and Axel would not be floating around or whatever (don't say he's dead! He's not dead! He is very much in my little bubble of character death denial, along with Sirius Black, Maes Hughes, and Treize Kushrenada). Axel and Roxas, and Sora and Riku, and Demyx and Zexion, and Vincent and Cid, and Cloud and Leon and Sephiroth, would all end up in Hollow Bastion, living together as a happy dysfunctional family, rebuilding the town, and having lots and lots of kinky mansex.

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**Fifty Times That Axel Had a Heart**

**#01 - Comfort**

There is none for Axel to offer, and none for Roxas to give, and neither would accept it if they did; Axel doesn't know if this imperceptible distance is because they have no hearts, or just because they are themselves.

**#02 - Kiss**

He kissed Roxas the first day, when he found the newest Nobody unconscious outside the castle; it was short and soft and he felt like he was being very daring for wanting something so badly.

**#03 - Soft**

The last words – "I would" – were barely a whisper, and Axel wondered how differently things might have gone if he hadn't been such a coward, if he'd shouted them like he wanted to.

**#04 - Pain**

It hurts every time he looks at Sora, seeing that oh-so-familiar face made unrecognizable by a stranger's expressions.

**#05 - Potatoes**

Axel calls it The Kitchen That Never Was; Roxas calls it The Kitchen That Was Until Somebody Tried to Make French Fries and Burned it Down.

**#06 - Rain**

It doesn't rain when Roxas is gone, and Axel is insulted; the world should have some respect for his grief.

**#07 - Chocolate**

Valentine's Day was forbidden in The World That Never Was, but that just made the chocolate that much more enticing; especially when it played a central role in certain _other_ forbidden activities.

**#08 - Happiness**

Nobodies can't feel happiness, but Axel can't think of any other way to describe the flutter in his stomach when Roxas shouts at him while bandaging the arm Axel injured falling down the stairs, trying to escape a recently pranked Larxene.

**#09 – Telephone**

He pressed the new phone into Roxas' hand, saying, "Make sure you leave it on all the time, Rox, so that I can always get in touch with you, okay?"

**#10 - Ears**

Sora speaks and underneath his voice Axel hears breathless whispers that sound like Roxas.

**#11 - Name**

There are only so many anagrams one can make out of A-E-L, but Axel tries not to think about it; he doesn't want to know this person he's supposed to be.

**#12 - Sensual**

Axel suspects that Roxas is well aware of how much it unglues him to see the brunette lick and suck at his sea-salt popsicles; no one can possibly enjoy ice cream _that_ much.

**#13 – Death**

Death, for Axel, is a lot like life: painful, boring, and done with a maximum of style.

**#14 - Sex**

There is no member of the Organization that hasn't caught Axel and Roxas having sex somewhere in the Castle at least once; Demyx calls it a rite of passage.

**#15 - Touch**

"Please don't touch me, Roxas; I'll only burn you to ash."

**#16 - Weakness**

It was easy for him to fight Roxas, easy to convince himself that what he'd thought was love was only a moment of weakness; it was as easy as it was for Roxas to stand there and look at him like he'd never seen him before.

**#17 – Tears**

"I want you to tattoo me, Xigbar; give me black ink tears, so I can pretend that I can cry."

**#18 – Speed**

No matter how fast he runs, it isn't fast enough; Roxas is always a step ahead of him.

**#19 - Wind**

While he is searching for Roxas, Axel sleeps outside on the ground, huddled in his Organization coat; there is no small warm body beside him, no gentle breath against his throat, only the lonesome sound of the wind, and Axel thinks bitterly that this is all so _wrong_.

**#20 - Freedom**

"You can call this freedom Roxas, but I call it running away, and I won't let you go."

**#21 – Life**

There has to be a next life, Axel knows, because the universe cannot be cruel enough that _this_ is all that he and Roxas get.

**#22 - Jealousy**

Axel told himself, summoning fire and clenching his chakrams tightly, that Roxas had known when he left that Axel was jealous and hot-tempered and vindictive; he only had himself to blame.

**#23 - Hands**

When Roxas fights him, his hands brush against Axel with every blow, and Axel wants to pretend it can be like it used to, when Roxas' touch was warm and soft and gentle; but it's too late, and he knows they can never get it back.

**#24 - Taste**

Roxas tastes like the crisp cool air of an autumn night, like the black water of a deep still pool, like the luscious but slightly bitter richness of unsweetened chocolate; it's not Axel's fault that he can't get enough.

**#25 - Devotion**

As Axel faded away, he wondered if this would finally be enough to refute what Roxas had said – "Nobody would miss me."

**#26 – Forever**

"Promise me Roxas that what we have will last forever; promise me that no matter what, you'll never forget me and how much I love you."

**#27 - Blood**

The first time he was hurt in a battle, Axel wanted to shove his wounded arm in Xemnas' face so he could see the bloody gash, and demand to know how he could be bleeding, if he didn't have a heart.

**#28 - Sickness**

Axel is a bad patient – he whines and moans and claims to be dying and demands soup and more tissues and entertainment – but Roxas takes care of him anyway; he was the one to shove the redhead into the fountain while they were out patrolling at night, after all.

**#29 - Melody**

Axel teases Demyx mercilessly about his inability to carry a tune on his sitar; he doesn't tell him that he can't fall asleep at night if he can't hear him playing from his room.

**#30 - Star**

"I can't believe you buy that shit about wishing stars, Axel – what are you, five?"

**#31 – Home**

Home for Axel was a fading memory of a tiny house in a tiny town full of tiny, cruel-minded people, shouting and beatings and starvation, the darkness growing in a young boy's heart; home was a place he burned to the ground and walked away from without remorse.

**#32 - Confusion**

"I'm not a stranger, Roxas," he whispers, because this is not the reunion he envisioned, "Don't you remember me?"

**#33 – Fear**

Fighting Roxas, Axel didn't know what he was more afraid of – that he would lose, or that he would win.

**#34 - Lightning/Thunder**

Roxas holds him close as he whimpers and trembles, and doesn't even mock him for being afraid of storms.

**#35 - Bonds**

The blond had accepted Axel's suggestion of using handcuffs quicker than he expected; when Axel felt them clasp around his own wrists, he wondered what exactly he'd gotten into, but then Roxas did that _thing_ with his _tongue_, and he _knew_.

**#36 – Market**

Roxas swore he was never taking Axel to the market again; not until the redhead learned that "I want it" doesn't mean "It's mine" and "Get out of here" doesn't mean "Set my shop on fire."

**#37 – Technology**

Roxas kissed Axel for the first time in Demyx's room during one of the sitar-player's parties, shielded from the sight of the rest of the Organization behind the blonde's massive speakers.

**#38 – Gift**

For Christmas, Axel gave Demyx and Zexion a basket full of sex toys as a joke; they must have appreciated it, he thinks, because a week later he found Roxas tied to his bed with a big red bow and a note that said 'Merry Christmas - D & Z.'

**#39 - Smile**

Before it could even be called a crush, it's a challenge – Axel is determined to get the cold and petulant XIII to smile, no matter what it takes.

**#40 - Innocence**

Roxas was younger and smaller and cuter but Axel was the innocent one; Axel was the one who didn't know what he was doing.

**#41 – Completion**

Axel would never say something so trite as 'you complete me,' but when Roxas holds his hand, he hears the click of something finally fitting into place.

**#42 - Clouds**

"Well, I see you, and me, and that cloud looks like us kissing, and that one looks like us cuddling together, and _that_ cloud's giving me ideas."

**#43 – Sky**

Axel throws his head back and throws his hands up in aggravation – why is Roxas so stubborn about clinging to this made-up world?

**#44 - Heaven**

Luxord must be God, Axel realized, because heaven was Roxas in a short, frilly skirt after losing a bet.

**#45 - Hell**

The ring of fire is hell and Roxas is the sinner paying for leaving him behind; so why is Axel the one who feels like he's burning?

**#46 – Sun**

"Axel, I _know_ this is just an attempt to get me naked; you can't go sunbathing in the World That Never Was when it has no _sun_."

**#47 - Moon**

Axel can't give Roxas the heart he doesn't have; if he could, though, he would pull down the heart-shaped moon that hangs above their world and give it to him instead.

**#48 – Waves**

Every time he sees Sora again, he starts to wave, and Roxas' name is on his lips, and that unfamiliar warmth swells in his heart; then he remembers, and he has to turn quickly before Sora sees the tears in his eyes.

**#49 - Hair**

Axel only kissed Sora once, but the whole time, all he could see was blonde hair tangling around his fingers, and he knew Sora was seeing silver; when they pulled apart, he knew they couldn't do it again.

**#50 – Supernova**

If Axel was a blaze on his own, then Roxas' love made him a supernova, and with Roxas gone, he was barely a flicker, fading to black.

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A/N: Reviews are vastly appreciated, as is nice constructive criticism.

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